Thursday, July 8, 2010

The War of Waffles

I like sleep. A lot. In fact, it might be safe to say that sleep is almost one of my most pleasant past times. I love the feeling of plopping on to a nice soft mattress, cuddling up with Teddy Toby, and feeling safe and sound under the weight of the blankets.

Now, sleeping isn't always a glorious experience. Sometimes you get stuck with a mattress so hard the ground would be softer to sleep on. Or sometimes the pillow is too puny or fluffy which makes getting comfortable entirely too difficult. And sometimes Toby decides to jump off the bed and sprint to the other room... I don't know why a little teddy bear would rather sleep on the cold hard floor when he could be suffocating under the nice warm covers. Silly teddy. Then there are times when there are too many blankets so you can't sleep because it is too hot... o wait... never mind. That's never a problem ...for me, though I hear it is quite the dilemma for some.

I am continually made fun of because I like to lay ten blankets on top of my bed before I go to sleep. yes. I quite like the pressure of all of the blankets on top of me. With ten blankets on top I feel safe. I know that the bad guys would not only have to break through the door that is bolted and chained and locked and nailed shut, they would also have to untangle them selves from the mountain of blankets that would be abruptly tossed on them once they hopped in my room. At which point they would have to try to escape from under ten different blankets. Quite a chore let me tell you. I would be out of that house faster than they could escape from half of one blanket. That is why my weapon of choice is: the blanket. It's pretty time consuming to untangle yourself from one of those suckers. It's true. You should try it. Especially the knitted or crocheted ones. Super tricky. Try it.

When I sleep, I don't move around too much. If you were to tuck me in at night time and then come bring me breakfast in bed in the morning, you would find me in the exact same spot. The covers laying neatly all around me, undisturbed. Yes. In fact, to make the bed, all I have to to is pull up a tiny little corner of the sheets and blankets up to the top corner and lay my pillow on top of them. And really, you don't even have to put the pillow on top, I just like the way it looks. It's easy. quick. Speedy. To make a bed that I have slept in.

Now not everyone is like this. In fact, I know some people who manage to turn their entire bodies around in their bed so their head is at the foot of the bed, their feet are at the head of the bed, and their butt is sticking up in the air. And no, they are not cute little babies when they do this. They are old. Not that I watch people sleep, I just happen to know these kinds of things. One way to tell if some one sleeps this way is by how their covers look in the morning. If they are all in a big fat ball or tall heaping pile, it is clear evidence that a person sleeps like this.

People like this drive me crazy. How can they sleep when the sheets and blankets are going every which way?! They probably can't really, and so that is probably why they are so stinking cranky in the morning and can only say, "Don't talk to me. I need my coffee first." (Another way to identify the messy sleeper). I on the other hand, must have my sheets tucked into the bed, the covers have to be flat and neat. I have to be able to slip under the covers like a letter goes into an envelope. Snug. Yes please.

And so the war begins. The battle had been raging from quite some time now. You see, the hubs is the kind who sleeps with the covers in a pile in the middle of the bed, the sheets can't be tucked in, and pretty much takes up the entire bed. I don't approve of this, nor do I like it one bit. So I am forced to sleep on less than a quarter of the bed, tucked neatly away.

The War of Waffles began a few weeks ago. We arrived in our neat little summer home. When I first saw the bed I was satisfied. The pillow was the right fluffiness. And there were clean sheets on the bed. At least I hope they were. I pretended they were at least.

That is why it is unfortunate to say that not only did I freeze my toes off that first night, I also couldn't sleep because the sheets came untucked and the blanket was too thin so it didn't stay put. Don't they know better?!

Ok... Problem solved. We found another blanket and I put it on my dime size portion of the bed to help me keep warm and for the extra weight I need to sleep at night. Well... It was entirely useless. Now the blankets were just fighting all night long. The white waffle blanket would shove the blue waffle blanket off the bed. Not to mention the second waffle blanket on the bed is completely too large for the bed, so it just shifts from one side to the other. The sheets, wanting in on the action do the same. For Pete's Sake. Stay still! It doesn't help one bit that the hubs is in cover heaven. He just shoves the covers off of him (thinking it's so swell of him and all) and on to me. It only makes it worse! Because two minutes later he's reaching for them... he's so capricious some times. Now I have five hugemoungous waffle blankets tangling me up every single night. I can't sleep with all this noise! So I toss and I turn. I sit up in the middle of the night... every hour of every night... and pull and push and rearrange the covers just how they should be... but it's to no avail. They continue to jump from their side of the bed to mine. It's like they know... they know I can't sleep like that and so they decide to make it more difficult and irritating for me to sleep at night.

The Waffle Wars get so loud that I just can't take it any more. I just can't. So I grabbed a pair of fuzzy socks and put them on, laid on top of the covers and said, "take that" to the covers. Well... it didn't do a bit of good. The covers continued to jump and dance and prance and twist around me all night long.

O! Those stupid little thin blankets that tangle me up all night long. See... I told you, the perfect weapon right there.

The next night I am sick of seeing the black bags under my eyes and of prying my eye lids open with toothpicks (it's really quite painful you know...) all day long. So, I take my one little blue waffle blanket, my perfectly plump pillow, and fuzzy yellow socks with me and march to the couch. I plop right on down, cover up (nice and neat of course) and close my eyes. For the first time I sleep, without having to wake up in the middle of the night and fight and curse at the dang blankets all night long. Ooooo how I loathe those blankets.

The hubs says to me in the morning, "Why'd you sleep on the couch?"

"It's the waffles! I'm sick of them!" I tell him.

"The waffles?" he looks at me like he's getting ready to take me into the House of Nuts.

"Yes. The waffles! They interrupt my sleep. They keep me up all night long with their fighting and yelling and wadding up. I just can't take it any more! I don't care if I'm the one that has to surrender first. I don't care! I surrender! I give up! I hate those stupid waffle blankets! They drive me up the wall. I just can't take it. I want to sleep. I miss looking at the back of my eyelids!" I declare at the top of my lungs.

"Oh" says the hubs. "Ok then." He's still looking at me like I'm a complete nut job. He's going to take me to the loony house. I know it. I just know it.

On the bright side, at the loony house I will at least have my own bed and then I can tuck the sheets as tight as I please and there will be no War of Waffles.

Oh my. The trials and tribulations that fill my little life...

1 comment(s):

kelseylynae said...

Oh Hannah, this is funny. I mean, not that you can't sleep but ... :-)

Keep writing! Miss you.