Friday, July 16, 2010

Mr. Speedy

Nearly every afternoon around lunch time I ride my rusty, squeaky, falling apart, bicycle into town to meet the hubs for lunch. I don't mind riding into town. By now I hardly even hear the deafening scream of my charming bike. It's true. Though, now that I think about it, I have also noticed I have been having to ask people to repeat things, have them speak up when they repeat whatever it is they are saying. The hubs has been saying the music is too loud (I never have the music too loud), and I have been finding my eyes reading lips a lot more. When I read their lips it helps me not have to ask them to repeat themselves a thousand times. Needles to say, I don't mind at all the tiny squeak I hear from the bike. In fact, I thought it had gone away altogether. Except, then I saw someone hurriedly walk past me riding while covering their ears with their hands, when I asked the hubs why he thought they were doing that, he told me it was because my bicycle is deafening and can be heard for miles. Great. But hey, at least I'm not bothered by it any more.

So, like I was saying, I ride into town just about every day. I do this for a number of reasons:
1. So I can eat lunch with the hubs. It's nice to have an actual person for company as opposed to a cup of water.
2. I can. I've got nothing keeping me at the house and it is close enough to go in that I do. I quite like it.
3. I find riding quite pleasant, especially now I don't hear the yapping of my bicycle.
4. It mixes my day up. I have found I get entirely too restless when I sit on the same spot on the couch all day long. I get tired of seeing the same tree, and same railing outside my window. It's super quiet and even though you think that might be good for focusing on homework (like I did), it is not. I have tried this out and found that I work better and get a lot more done when I am around people, even if it's just sitting in a little coffee shop somewhere so I can people watch while I'm working on my homework. This way it is broken up. It makes me feel like I'm being really productive. There is a little bit of background noise, movement, changing scenery and always new and really fascinating people to stare at. For example, just yesterday this guy came in to the shop, ordered his drink, sat down, took a sip and pulled out a ... rubik's cube.

I thought, "Huh. This'll be fun. I wonder how long it's gonna take him... it only takes me a whole 1,432 hours to get it figured out, he'll probably be sitting here ALL day and they'll have to kick him out tonight when they close cause he'll still be working on solving it." I was sure of it, and so I watched him. Closely. Thankfully he never once looked my way. He was after all very focused on his little color cube. Every now and then I would blink, I didn't want my contacts to dry up and fall out. I would miss the rubik's cube being solved. I would also have to ask the first person I felt in front of me if they could please take me home as I was blind because I lost my eyes. Seriously though, I'm blind without my eyes. And I would hope and pray the stranger helping me was nice and honest and not stealing my precious belongings: my calendar, tissues, and five pennies. So I blinked. When I had unblinked, the rubik's cube man was holding in his hand, the rubik's cube - solved. All the red was on one side, the blues on another, yellow, green.... he did it and I missed it! So I fixed my eyes on him and didn't blink once, forget about being blind, I wasn't going to miss out on this.

He did it again. Set it on the table. Picked it up. Undid it. And did it again. And again. I started timing him. He scrambled the puzzled, put it together, undid it, and put it together again, and mixed it up again... in one minute! Are you kidding me?! Two times in one minute?! And I had been feeling really good about myself, I mean, I could do the puzzle in a mere 1,432 hours... That's a record! This guy is crazy! He could probably set a new one! He was so speedy!

Then, I have to admit I wondered if he was trying to show off his mad rubik's cube solving skills to the ladies in the coffee shop. ...Except all of the other ladies seemed engrossed in their own little lives and sweet little expensive coffee drinks and seemed to be paying no attention to him whatsoever. Well, he had me. I was hooked. Then my computer died. And there was no outlet. And I couldn't very well justify sitting and typing when the screen was obviously blank. People would see me and think I was crazy. Even if I told them it was the newest thing and everyone one was doing it, they probably wouldn't fall for it. Plus I had to leave soon anyway for class. Stupid class.

So I had to leave the amazingly talented and speedy rubik's cube man.

You probably think that who Mr. Speedy is. Don't you? Well you'd be greatly mistaken. It is not. The mad rubik's cube man was merely a man I saw with mad skills. ... and who has put my time to shame. pity.

Anyhow. Like I was telling you earlier, I ride into town about every afternoon. It's a hot ride, and by the time I get into town I can feel the trickle of sweat sliding down my back. Disgusting. It probably wouldn't be quite so bad if I wasn't a hunchback. But I am. So it is. My back has grown, now, instead of a mere extra 30 pounds I have to lug around on my back because of the lovely and very old fashioned computer I get to use... I now have to drag along some books too. Two books to be exact. Since when did professors start using textbooks? I mean seriously... what a waste. The books are about 20 pounds each so now I have about 120 pounds to lug around on my back. O. my. I am going to have either one buff back, or I am going to remain a hunch back for life. great.

So, I'm a shinny, sweaty, breathless mess by the time I roll into town. I normally get there a few minutes before the hubs comes out for lunch. So I sit on a little bench in the little shopping square and wait. While I wait, I smell... b.o. Yes. It's disgusting. It's the worst smelling body odor I have ever smelled in my life (and I have been around a lot of body odor. A whole entire country I have lived in smelled like body odor - that's a lot of body. and a lot of odor. nasty). But the stench I was giving off topped all ten thousand people of the little deodorant free island I once lived on. O good gracious. The first time this happened I questioned whether I had put any antiperspirant on that morning. I was pretty sure I had. The second time it happened, I stuck my nose in my pits and took a massive sniff. Yes. I could smell the sweet and fresh scent of my deodorant. Upon removing my nose I got another whiff. So, I tried the other pit. Maybe I forgot one. Nope. I smelled the straps on my backpack. Odor can rub off you know. They were pretty nasty smelling... but that's not where the rank odor was coming from. So I came up with the only possible solution. I was the smelly one and my antiperspirant had quit working on me. O brother.

I asked the hubs, "Am I smelly? Do I stink?"

He sniffs my bubble, "Not particularly," he says.

"O. man." I was crushed. ... I knew I was origin of the smell and he had a broken sniffer. What a shame.

By the time lunch was over, I had cooled off, walked over to Bath & Body Works and sprayed every single spray in the store all over my body. I sprayed from my feet and ankles to my underarms and the hair piled on top my head. Then I proceeded to rub the yummy and sweet smelling lotions all over also. I just had to make sure I smelled good. I even sprayed my trusty humpback. yes. Now the straps smelled much better. The ladies that worked in the shop kept looking at me all fishy like. I told them, "You know, I am just spritzing a little spritz... there are at least one billion spritzes in one bottle. It's ok. Plus, they're the samples. What's the sample good for if you don't actually sample it? It's there for me to use! And... wouldn't you rather me use a little of your extra fragrance than smell like poo?" They just blinked at me. ...ok, well, maybe I didn't really say that to them. But I would have if they told me I couldn't try out all their spritz bottles of perfumes.

After feeling fully refreshed and positive that I smelled like the perfume shop itself, I walked to the coffee shop. Plopped down, and started working. Then... I smelled it. The smell. the B.O. smell. The smell I had just gotten rid of. Are you kidding me?! Good gravy! I just fixed it. But that's when I realized I wasn't the culprit. Nooooooo. Not me. It was him. I dubbed him, Mr. Speedy. For he was in dire need of some Man Speed Stick or Old Spice or something. Wheew eee!!! Man!! I don't think he has had a bath in over ten years. And that's just a wild guess.

I figured out that he uses the restroom at this coffee shop, they let him. But he spends most of his time sitting outside, and is in the same square at lunch time where I wait for the hubs. It was him!!! He was the source of the smell!! Wow. For one man to create that odor is quite a feet. He is smellable from miles away. I don't even have to look up and see him to know he is approaching or nearby. Nope. My trusty sniffer lets me know.

I had the ... opportunity ... to sit right by him the other day as I was waiting for the hubs. All of the other benches were taken and filled. I was stuck sitting on the bench right behind his. I figured, no big deal. The hubs will be out soon and I'll just up and leave then.

No. Not so. The hubs did not emerge from his cave for another five hours!! What the crap?! I thought lunch was at lunch time, not dinner time! And of course I couldn't leave and sit on the furthest bench away from Mr. Speedy, 1. that would be rude, and c. they were naturally all taken (...I wonder if the other people know about Mr. Speedy?). The hubs texted me, "sorry, Homey is on the phone. Have to wait for him."

Homey is the one that has graciously allowed us borrow his rusty, old, squeaky, bicycle. The hubs was going to buy him a lunch as a thank you. It just so happened the day I had to sit nearest Mr. Speedy, is the day they take FOREVER in getting outside. ...I should have called the Old Spice man, maybe he could have helped. Needless to say, I don't think I have ever been quite so happy to see the hubs.

Also, I think my sense of smell is now broken.

2 comment(s):

kelseylynae said...

did you know brent can do the rubix cube in under a minute?

and i'm sorry your sniffer and your ears are broken.

thanks for writing :-)

Cupcake said...

I bet he sat in some sweet little coffee shop (or some such place) and pulled it out of his pocket and you caught him doing it and that's why you really fell in love with him :) talent.