Monday, August 16, 2010


I'm home now. My little white house was sitting waiting for me. The first day I was back I was starving and refused to leave the house. ...I didn't want to drive to the store. I hadn't driven in a year, so I was pretty terrified as you can very well imagine. Also, our car was covered in leaves and bugs, you could hardly see the top of the car, everything was piled around it so high. If you would have looked at where it was sitting you would have just thought, "Wow. What a big pile of leaves." You never would have even suspected a car under there. I did not want to mess with all of the bugs and leaves, so I just let it sit. I knew at some point I would have to pull out the hose and give it a through scrub, but I just wasn't having it that day, so I didn't. Also, because of the disaster state it was in I was really just frightened to even go near it. When I did finally venture near and open a door to get in, a swarm of crickets hopped out all over me. I ran away real quick like arms flailing every which way. Five hours later I went back hoping the crickets had left the car alone and not made another new home in the car. They did, but unfortunately I noticed a ton (literally, a ton) of bird crap caked on the car (literally, caked on, it was baked and fried and not about to move) but I didn't feel like even trying to get the bird crap off. I'm glad the crickets left, as I didn't feel like fighting the crickets, but I was prepared... with a bottle of hairspray. Cause, hairspray kills anything right?

...that's what I kept telling myself as I walked around the lonely house when the hubs was away. I walked real slow like, especially at night or as soon as I would get home... but most especially when you combine the two. With my arm straight out in front of me, bottle of hairspray in hand. Long metal pole in the other, ready to take a swing, phone in my pocket... I was ready for whatever (or whoever) might be lurking in the closet or under the bed or in the dryer. I got the continuous spray kind of hairspray too. That way my finger wouldn't get tired. I also didn't want the sprayer to get stuck like it sometimes does, you know? That's why I got the fancy one. All I have to do is pull the little trigger thingy and phoosh! there is a constant spray of breathtaking, eye burning fumes. It's really quite ingenious. It not only makes the invader choke and gag and cough and bend over for clean air, it also temporarily blinds them. My favorite part. This gives you the opportune time to wack 'em upside the head and on their back and arms and legs and any other spot that could make 'em hurt. Once you have sprayed and wacked the crap out of the intruder you have your chance to run out the front door, screaming and waving your bottle of hairspray and big metal pole in the air. You have enough time to make it to the neighbors house and hope and pray they are home. While you are pounding ferociously on their door yelling, "HELP ME! HELP ME!!!" you pull out your cell phone and punch 1 - speed dial for 911, obviously. As the neighbors come to their door you are spouting to the 911 person to come and help.

O, gracious, it is an exhausting experience. As you can very well imagine. It takes several years to recover from it. All I can say is I'm just glad the people that lived here before us left a random long metal pole in our bedroom and that I have a full bottle of hairspray.

The hubs said he's going to get me a guard dog, he's not fond of the metal pole/hairspray combination idea. I reassure him that it always works well when I play it out in my head. Though I will have to admit, I hope I never ever have to actually go through with it. Because that would be all the more terrifying and I'm pretty sure I would kill over dead from the mere shock of finding a stranger hiding behind the shower curtain (note: if you leave the shower curtain open, it is easier to spot an intruder... if they are hiding in the shower). Also, after I recovered I would need a second bottle of hairspray. I should add that to my grocery list. Also, it would be nice if you had the company of a teeth baring, mean growling dog on your side should an intruder ever interrupt you.

But now the hubs came back. He's home now. And it is nice. I don't have to carry around my bottle of hairspray and big metal pole when I go downstairs to get a drink of water in the morning or at night. It is rather tricky to be armed with a bottle of hairspray, a big long metal pole, and your phone.... and then get water while on full alert. There just aren't enough hands for that. Oh brother. However if you are surprised you do have the advantage of being able to throw a glass of ice water in someone's face, the ice hurting a little bit and possibly glass shattering all over their face as well, giving you more spray time. Genius.

It was very lovely to see him again. I went to the airport to pick him up one night, after sitting and working on homework for what seemed hours and hours and hours... I finally said, "phooey" slipped on my sandals and walked out the door. I didn't care if I got there early, I would rather sit and wait there than get there late. Or leave with just enough time to get there and somehow get lost along the way (I never plan for that, and somehow it always happens to me, getting lost that is). Also, I couldn't concentrate on the homeworks any more. I must have read the same sentence 72 times before I realized I had no idea what I just read and then after rereading it realizing I had already read that 74 times. Also, I would get distracted with other things ... you know, looking at pictures, tidying up a little, and such.

So I left. And got to the airport without getting lost (however, I did use the GPS the hubs got me for Christmas. I guess he was tired of me calling him in the middle of the day crying, "I don't know where I am!! How do I get home?"
and then him saying, "Well, where are you? Tell me and I can help."
"I don't know! That's why I'm calling!!!"
"Well, what's the name of the road you are on?"
"I don't know! There isn't a road sign right here! How do I get home?" and on and on this went. Poor Hubs. He is so sweet and patient. Thus the GPS for Christmas. for which I am very grateful. There have been no more teary frantic phone calls. Thank goodness too, especially when I went to pick him up because he wouldn't have been able to answer my call).
As soon as I got there the hubs texted me. he was there! Early! I'm so glad I left when I did! And now we are home sweet home together.

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