Wednesday, August 18, 2010

crazy A students

I have just enough time before I have to leave to go get the hubs to calm myself down. Not that I'm in a hyper state or anything, it's just you know, nice to chill. I like it. A lot. Also, I've been freighting a lot about some things these days and I just really don't care for it. Things I've never freighted about before. know, I've never ever in all of my life been a straight A kind of student. Nope. Not me. My sister, yes, my brother, yes, my other sister, yes, my other brother, yes (at least that how it always seemed to me). Me, no. they just seem so smart and to do well in everything! They would always come home and their tests and papers would get plastered all over the refrigerators with big fat A+ all over them, no red pen marking up the paper, other than a smiley face and a note that said, "Great!". Not mine. No. Mine might make it to the fridge with a C+ and a "Keep Trying!" or "Great Improvement..." no smiley faces though, and about a ton of red ink weighing down the paper with places of where I did the wrong thing. ...and that was a good one for me. I was not the perfect learning student. No, not me. They were. I wasn't. I'm not bitter or anything. I only had to trade my life away for babysitting for my geometry teacher so I could get extra tutoring and help sessions. I'd go over early while his little baby girls would run around the apartment, their momma laughing and chasing them around. So happy. And I would be in tears at the kitchen table because I couldn't work the problem. Not so happy. However, I am very thankful for my very patient and kind Aussie teacher and that I had the privilege of going to such a great small school. But like I said, I'm not bitter.

Even though I would spend hours and hours and days and weeks trying to understand how to do some "simple" geometry problem (fyi: geometry is not simple) I didn't get it, it didn't click. But that's just the way it was. So, I was used to learning and studying and working my tail off and getting "C"s and such. My whole life I did this. I still do this now as a grad student. However, oddly enough I have done better with my class work now than I have ever done before. I'm not saying that to brag, I'm saying that because it makes me feel a lot more pressure than ever before. I feel like now that I have done so much better than I am used to doing, I have to keep it up, I have to maintain that. And now, just the other day I turned in this big fat research paper and lesson plan... and well, I'm just a little bit concerned for my grade. I want it to stay high, I want to keep the high marks I've never had before. Having these marks makes me feel like I'm learning and I'm smart and stuff. But then it also makes me freight about things I never used to freight about. o my. I need to stop. I am not a perfectionist. I'm not a straight A student. I don't need to be acting like one. least I'll pass my classes... I hope! I can see now why the straight A students were always so stressed out and worried about one little grade. ...that is not my personality, so I'm pretty sure this phase won't last long. Thankfully.

So anyway, I'm trying not to think about that stuff and instead think about the Praxis I have to take in a month. gross. No thank you. It's not very calming to think about that big fat long test that I just don't want to take. Nooooo. phooey. I'll stop thinking about it then.

So I'm here. where I get happy. Where I let myself go and say things I probably ought not. Where you get to see all of the little crazy and random thoughts in my head. Where I don't censor myself.

Anyhow. I am going to bake. I haven't baked anything in over two months. That is a record for me. I've been baking something pretty regularly since I was a wee little girl. That also makes me happy, baking, that is. I'm not sure what I'm going to bake, but I'm sure it will be tasty, if you come over I'd love to share some of whatever it is a bake with you. delightful.

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